Who Owns Me?

The first time that I got laid off, there was a reorganization and I was odd man out (that one lasted six months). The second time that I got laid off, I said to the boss what others merely dream of saying (the consequence was a 90 day performance plan before being added to that list for the next to go). The third time I tried to be a good boy and did what the boss said, but it didn't make any difference (that layoff lasted three months). The fourth time I was a good boy, but the company folded anyways after a year (I was out of work eight months). This last time, I was not only a good boy, but a loyal company man as well for almost six years with what I thought was that ticket to retirement.

Whether I was a victim of circumstances that was beyond my control or my actions were the direct cause of my demise, I still was the one left outside looking in...apart, alone, and most definitely afraid. I now realize that fear will make you do interesting things--especially if it's those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want. Self-centered fears will create both resentments that spur me to lash out or self-pity that allow me to sulk in a corner.

So what do I do with those fears when I actually land that next job? Well, I just bring them along for the ride into the most callous and ruthless arena--the work world. Job security is usually what's it's called. Play by the rules, do as you are told, don't speak out of turn. At first (especially during the probationary period when I'm first hired) it's seems perfectly sensible to go with the flow and not make waves. Then, over time, by what seems like only little sins of omission or commision, I'm asked either to do something I disagree with or overlook something that I know is wrong.

Usually, I comply because I can either rationalize (or perhaps even justify) that I'm just putting food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. But as my needs for emotional security and material security grow to a house with a two car garage (with the SUV and the sedan parked in the driveway) and that almighty 401(k) for retirement, do I just become a human doing rather than a human being putting in long hours to pay the bills with little else to show but "stuff"?

At that point, am I really my own man? Who actually owns me if I have to play by the rules, do as I'm told, and don't speak out of turn, only to exchange six years of service at my last employer for a six month severance package and shown the door (again). Or, even if I do see myself as my own man, am I not just chasing that illusion of job security to escape from those nagging self-centered fears?

Was it really worth it? I guess I'll need to come to terms with the answer over time.