Just in Time...

A good friend once told me "You'll go back to work when someone wants you to go to work for them, not when you want to go back to work." I am struck by how simple and straightforward that sounds, but it is also very profound.  I can do the footwork of looking for a job -- take the outplacement workshops, write and revise my resume, send my resume to every job lead that comes my way--and it still is out of my hands whether I get a job today (or not).  A prospective employer will review my resume for my qualifications and salary requirements. then determine whether the job requirements (and the budget) are a good fit. This follows the Golden Rule: "Those that have the gold make the rules."

So heeding that Golden Rule, I set modest expections for myself when I went on two sets of  interviews before Christmas --  I also hedged my bets by submitting resumes expressing my qualifications for other full-time positions. Then came the waiting part as companies take the traditional holiday break when companies shut down  between Christmas and New Year.

Then, something wonderfully special happened. During the break, I was contacted to interview for two other jobs the week after New Years Day. On the day of the first interview, I accepted a job offer  from one of the companies that already interviewed me in December (almost two months to the day after I was laid off). I am now in the middle of  my second week at my new job.

As I have had time to ponder the past layoffs  I've endured, I realized that somehow all of my needs were being provided. While I was hounded by Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want), I still managed to keep a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table.

So, at this point, I need to acknowledge who my real Employer is, and I just need to perform the footwork laid before me.

Best wishes for a prosperous and joyful New Year.

Paying It Forward (Again)

I started a holiday tradition when my oldest niece was just four years old (she's now 21 and at a far off place called UC Davis). Having first recited my three rules, we ventured into Walmart so that she could pick her own present--the caveats were that there was a $25 limit and she would need to wait until Christmas to unwrap it. She spent nearly an hour going up and down the toy aisles looking for that special gift, with me in tow, carefully explaining to me her likes and dislikes as I made several suggestions (then I  just gave up). Having settled on what I remember being a Barbie (or was it Cinderella) brush and comb set, she was quite content and I didn't have to figure out what to buy a four-year-old because she told me.

These holiday shopping trips grew over time to include my  my youngest niece (now 13 and about ready to go to high school). As always, there was an element of enlightened self-interest for me since I never had to guess what to give them if I just listened and paid attention.  They also benefitted by learning to handle money trying to get the biggest bang for their $25 (it served as a practical way to teach them arithmetic as they added up the price of all their wants), as well as sharpened their ability to negotiate a better deal (I was often a soft touch if they presented a good case).

This year, reflecting back on all that has happened to me, I was reminded of a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that put everything in perspective: "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

So, I added a twist to the annual holiday shopping trip with a commitment to pay forward all the blessings I have received  (see my post Gratitude List (Redux)). In addition to picking a gift for themselves, I asked my nieces to pick a gift for someone their age that I could bring for a church-sponsored  drive for those less fortunate. I watched in admiration as my nieces spent as much time and care picking the Barbie Doll to be donated as their own gifts.

I also added the same twist with my oldest grandson, now eight and a big Lego fan. He had set his eyes on a  Pirates of the Caribbean  set he wanted that went beyond the budget at $120,  but I calmly explained that it would take two to three hours for either his mom, dad, Grandma, or me  to earn enough money to buy the toy. I admit that he certainly presented a good case for the generosity by also picking out age-appropriate toys for my younger grandsons (now five and three years old). Dillon eventually eventually chose a strategy of the biggest bang for the buck by selecting a Nitroblast set.

He also took extra care in choosing a toy suitable for a boy his age. I calmly explained that not every parent was able to give a boy a present for Christmas, so he could think of the toy as a present from him. After thinking about it for a moment, he was OK with the idea and he chose a Furno 3.0 set. The toys eventually arrived with other gifts that Barb and I brought to the local toy collection at our local church.

In the end, my nieces and grandson gave me a precious gift  -- a reminder that there is indeed a reason for the season.

Right on Time (Part 2)

It's now official-I am one of the 11.4% available and seeking work in California. I have two phone interviews scheduled for this week for possible contract positions, and I've submitted resumes expressing my qualifications for other full-time positions. Now comes the waiting part.

A good friend put it best for me "You'll go back to work when someone wants you to go to work for them, not when you want to go back to work." I am struck by how simple and straightforward that sounds, but it is also very profound.  I can do the footwork of looking for a job -- take the outplacement workshops, write and revise my resume, send my resume to every job lead that comes my way--and it still is out of my hands whether I get a job today (or not).  A prospective employer will review my resume for my qualifications and salary requirements. then determine whether the job requirements (and the budget) are a good fit. I need to be reminded that there is a Golden Rule: "Those that have the gold make the rules."

So, at this fork in the road, which employer do I really want to work for (and by what rules)? As I have had time to ponder the past layoffs  I've endured, I need to acknowledge that somehow all of my needs were being provided. I'm still hounded by Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want), but I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table.

So perhaps I need to be reminded that this time, like the other times, that all of my needs will be provided, as long as I acknowledge who my real Employer is, and I just need to perform the footwork laid before me.

Act As If...

A good friend of mine commented on Deja Vu (All Over Again) about insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". As for me, I would say that the notion that man is (somehow) in control of his fate is the basis of all delusions.

I once had the attitude that it was my top priority in life to satisfy my legitimate needs, desires, and concerns. So, therefore, I livd my life as if I had every right to do what I needed to do to "make it happen".

However, I eventually have come to the conclusion that my will gets me into trouble. I had to accept that much of my troubles are of my own making -- it is in fact a delusion to act as if I can play God in my life (or the life of any others).

When I did "make it happen", I found that I was rarely satisfied. Somehow, my life was still not complete, so I raised the ante. I transformed those legitimate needs, desires, and concerns into expectations about "how things should be". This gave me the rationalization to push even harder.

When I didn't "make it happen", I found that I usually felt either inadequate or deprived. I tended to either blame myself for not "managing well",  or I allowed Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of not getting what I want or losing what I have) to blame "them" for getting in the way. This gave me the justification to push even harder.

Driven by ambition or frustration, my will would often put me in collision with people, places, situations, and outcomes. Like that bull in the proverbial china shop, I inevitably ended up offending (or actually harming) others seemingly without provocation -- and they often retaliated.

So each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness do have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God's will or my will.

A common term for this malaise is "doubt". It's not so much whether I believe that God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does). It's that I'm not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately whether I'm willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.

Doubt seems to be that place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that my doubts usually lead to fear whenever I make choices based on my will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that my doubts usually lead to faith when I make choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.

Easy Come, Easy Go...

I arrived to work at my usual time yesterday, when my colleague stopped by cubicle to quietly let me know that layoffs were happening and that two writers were already gone.  A few minutes later, my manager stopped by and asked to meet with me privately.

He simply told me that the company was going through a reorganization instituted by the new CEO who arrived last August, and that I was being laid off with several others who worked for my manager. After six months, just like that,  I lost a permanent full-time  job, along with the perks that I didn’t have for the two years I worked as a contractor: the  health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation,  401(k) plans, stock options, and the 20 minute commute.

It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet,  as I look back over two years ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way haven't  been as orderly as I would like (see my post Changing Times). There have been many forks  along the way, where my choices have brought me to a place where I am today. Along with those choices has been the endless chatter of Doom and Gloom (or those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want)  that made me constantly worry about would happen if the other shoe fell.

Well, at least for today,  the other shoe has fallen on solid ground.  As has happened many times before, I've updated my resume and my LinkedIn profile, as well as  contacted recruiters who know me.  But I have also made the choice today to ask for help from friends and colleagues, and they gave encouragement and support in return. I also asked God on a daily basis to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives (see New Year's Resolution).

I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

Deja Vu (All Over Again)

It's nearly six months since I started my new job, yet I get a sense at times that I have been there and done that. I admit that I have a habit of dragging my past into the present as I turn feelings into “facts”. It's like I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past disappointments, frustrations, and anxieties. So it is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to not slip into a whirlpool of negativity and see how such feelings become false evidence appearing real (or just plain fear).

You see, there was a time when I was out of work and trying to second guess the interviewers so that I could convince them (and perhaps myself as well) that I was the perfect candidate for the position. I ended up settling for less money than I was making at my previous job, then there was an additional 10% reduction that was imposed on all employees as a cost-cutting measure. To make matters worse, on my first day on that  job, I discovered that the company laid off five writers and their manager, then replaced them with just me (because apparently most of the development work was off-shored to Russia).

So, almost nine years later, I find myself (again) staring at rows of empty cubicles as I make my way to mine, and I "fear" that my past is about to become my present.  My take home salary hasn't changed since my time as a contractor, but my employer has imposed  furlough days as a cost-cutting measure.  Likewise, a colleague informed me that our employer did lay off a team of writers and their manager before they hired just him two years prior (but we are working with the development team who emigrated from Russia).

Still, times have changed. With the unemployment rate still at 12.5% rate, my resume was carefully screened for the perfect fit by the recruiter before I was offered  a permanent job with the perks that I didn't have for the  two years I worked as as a contractor  -- the  health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation,  401(k) plans, and stock options. Besides that, the project is interesting, the people are nice, and my commute is only 20 minutes.

What more can I ask for?

Perhaps I should be grateful that I am not disappointed with the outcome, since I know that my fortunes are indeed changing as God does for me what I cannot do for myself.

Who Would''ve Known...

Thursday April 28th has come and gone (see my post The Other Shoe Falls (Part 2)). My last day involved tying up the loose ends of my projects the best that I could, then turning in my badge and company equipment after saying my last goodbyes.

Every day beforehand, I started off by expressing gratitude that I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day. With the unemployment rate still over 12%, I also applied for every available job and sent resumes to recruiters who carefully screened for the perfect fit by offering the opportunity to “audition” for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis.

After all that effort, I could only arrange a single phone screen for a Thursday afternoon. That phone screen was followed by an in-person interview one week later that lasted for four hours. The following week, in addition to providing the usual professional references, I was even asked to provide proof of employment going back ten years for companies that either moved out of state or simply went out of business.

Then, just like that, I started this week as a full-time employee. It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet, as I look back over two years ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way didn't seem so orderly (see my post Changing Times). Who would have known that there always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

The Other Shoe Falls... (Part 2)

My manager told me this week that my current six month assignment would not be converted to full-time status because of budgetary constraints. My last day is April 28.

My immediate reaction was  to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, perhaps even betrayal. A common term for this malaise is "doubt".  I'm not so sure whether  the choices that I made over the past six months have been aligned with my will or God's will, or  ultimately  whether I'm  even willing to accept the outcome of those choices.

It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to avoid slipping into a whirlpool of negativity that allows my feelings to become false evidence appearing real. So each day this week, I start off by expressing gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day.

God has always had a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

New Years Resolution (Part 2)

I celebrated several milestones this past week: my 54th birthday, my two year anniversay from being laid off, and three months on my current job assignment.  My New Years resolution is giving me trouble, however (see New Years Resolution).  Each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially  asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout  the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God's will or my will.

A common term for this malaise is "doubt".  It's not so much whether God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does).  It's that I'm not so sure whether  the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately  whether I'm  willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.

That seems to be the place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I may have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that doubt usually leads to fear whenever  I make choices based on self will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that doubt usually leads to faith when I make  choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.

So,  I am realizing that it's in my best interest to be responsible only for the footwork of the choices that I make each day.  I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day “Thy will, not mine, be done.”

New Years Resolution

A good friend of mine shared with me in an e-mail the habits  that prevent me from living life on life's terms: negative self-talk, fear, impossible expectations, blaming others, and guilt trips.  The e-mail ended with this: "Thoughts become words. Words become actions. Actions become habits. Habits become character. And character becomes your destiny.”

I reflected on these words as the New Year approached, and I had to accept that people, places, things, situations, and outcomes were not the "causes" of  why my life was not going "my way". Rather, "my way" was distorted by my reactions to people, places, things, situations, and outcomes based on resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear. I began to see that  any slight or harm done to me over the years -- fancied or real -- had the power to actually dominate my words and actions.

All too often, those words and actions harmed others, and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation.  Looking back, I now see that  I put myself  in a position to be hurt  --  usually due to a a decision I made that was motivated by resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear.

So, my New Years resolution is not to lose weight or exercise more. Rather, I need to ask God on a daily basis to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer.  I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day "Thy will, not mine, be done."

False Evidence Appearing Real

I recently noticed that I have a bad habit of dragging my past into the present whenever I turn my feelings into "facts". Some person, place, thing, situation, or outcome is not what I expect, and  I'm taken out of of my comfort zone of what is known and familiar. Unlike someone whose emotions rockets them to anticipate the unknown as challenging and exciting, my emotions often drag me to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, even betrayal. It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to not slip into this whirlpool of negativity and see how I allow my feelings to become false evidence appearing real.

So, as it happened during this third week on the job, an e-mail arrived  from someone I haven't even met asking for me to quickly come up to speed and give a definitive answer by the end of the day to an issue I am still trying to figure out. Well, I don't work well under that kind of stress, and I don't like nasty surprises--yet at the same time,  I don't want to look like I don't know the answer and I'm reticent to ask for help because I'm new on the job. As a result, fears loomed large as memories swirled in my mind of similar circumstances at past jobs where I ended up  as the proverbial baby that was thrown out with the bath water.

But, this time around, something  is different. Although I am a contractor–a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job–I am given the respect and consideration typically given only to a permanent employee. So, I go to my supervisor and I admit that I don't know enough to respond to the request because I am still new on the job. To my surprise, she agrees and suggests I simply tell the truth that I am still gathering the necessary information to provide an adequate response.

So,  just for today, I am reminded that feelings are not facts...and perhaps my past does not necessarily need to become my present.

The Other Shoe Falls...

I remember a proverb from the Chinese philospher Lao-Tzu  that goes something like this: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." A literal interpretation would be even the longest and most difficult ventures have a starting point.

So, with the unemployment rate now at just 11.4% rate, my resume has been carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to “audition” for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis. After several failed opportunities, I find myself skeptical answering questions on yet another phone screen on a Tuesday afternoon that lasts an hour. That phone screen is followed by an in-person interview three days days later, and I am told that  I am the only candidate being considered. Just like that, I get a job offer that evening. to start last Monday.

It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet,  as I look back over a year ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way didn't seem so orderly (see my post Changing Times). There have been many forks  along the way, where my choices may have not brought me to a place where I am today. Along with those choices has been the endless chatter of Doom and Gloom (or those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want)  that made me worry about would happen if the other shoe fell.

Well, at least for today,  the other shoe has fallen on solid ground,   I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

Changing Times (Part 2)

The first time that I got laid off, there was a reorganization and I was odd man out. The second time that I got laid off, I said to the boss what others merely dream of saying. The third time I tried to be a good boy and did what the boss said, but it didn't make any difference. The fourth time I was a good boy, but the company folded anyways after a year . This last time, I was not only a good boy, but a loyal company man as well for six years (with what I thought was that ticket to retirement).

But times have changed. I have been a contractor for the past year --a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job, then leave without a trace. I have none of the benefits (such as health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation,  401(k) plans, and stock options) that tie permanent employees with "golden handcuffs".  With the unemployment rate at 12.5% rate, my resume is carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to "audition" for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis.

Still, I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. Each day, I express gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day. God has always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

Light at the End of the Tunnel (Part 4)

I got a call to interview for a full-time position from a recruiter who saw my resume on a job site. Simple as that (well, not counting the months I spent revising my resume, creating my personal website, completing my LinkedIn profile, and applying for every job that came my way).

I thought the initial  interviews went well enough when it came to the questions about my qualifications (those square pegs of past positions that could be easily whittled to fit the round pegs of the job description). Still, the issues of "fit" came down to intangibles such as the unspoken expectations of reading between the lines of the questions that the interviewers asked:

"Could you tell me something about yourself?" could be interpreted as "Are you the kind of person I already have in mind for the position?"

"What do you really want to do?" could be interpreted as "Are you after my job?"

"How would you handle this situation?" could be interpreted as "Tell me how to handle this situation because nothing I did seemed to work."

You see, I had been there before, out of work last year and trying to second guess the interviewers so that I could convince them (and perhaps myself as well) that I was the perfect candidate for the position.  But something was different this time. I have spent the past nine months honing my skills as a writer on my current assignment, so I can speak from experience, confidence, and assurance.

This series of events reminds me of a quote from my favorite author, Robert Heinlein, "Sure the game is rigged, but you can't win if you don't play." Somehow, I'm responsible for the footwork, but I don't have control over the outcome.

Just for today, Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of not getting what I want or losing what I have) have been replaced with a deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.

Another Day, Another Dollar (Redux)

I made eight months on my current job--a year almost to the day after I was laid off. It has been almost a year to the day since my second surgery, and I have received a clean bill of health from the surgeon. It will be eight years on Valentine's Day since I proposed to Barb (we'll be married eight years on Labor Day).

Looking back, what I remember most is that it took a long time to get to today. Most of the time was spent trying to do what was in front of me, then turning the outcome over to a power greater than human power that I often just call Big Guy. Many times I had to pause when I was agitated or doubtful (codewords for anger or fear), then pray for an intuitive thought or action that allowed me to make a choice that was different from all the ones that I made before (and all too often didn't work out to my satisfaction).

Day by day, over the past year, I have managed to face Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want). Day by day, what I received was what I needed,  not always what I wanted--those blessings that I never expected but got anyway. Barb and I have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs, and a few dollars left over for that rainy day. We have our health (physical, mental, and spiritual) despite the many ups and downs the past year has brought. We have the love of friends and family who have supported us through those many ups and downs.

Because of hard work and a little faith, the good times are back and the future looks bright.

Paying It Forward

I started a holiday tradition when my oldest niece was just four years old (she's now 19  and at a far off place called UC Davis). Having first recited my three rules, we ventured into Walmart so that she could pick her own present--the caveats were that there was a $25 limit and she would need to wait until Christmas to unwrap it. She spent nearly an hour going up and down the toy aisles looking for that special gift, with me in tow, carefully explaining to me her likes and dislikes as I made several suggestions (then I  just gave up). Having settled on what I remember being a Barbie (or was it Cinderella) brush and comb set, she was quite content and I didn't have to figure out what to buy a four-year-old because she told me.

These holiday shopping trips grew over time to include my nephew (now 15 and a sophomore in high school) and my youngest niece (now 11 and about ready to go to junior high). As always, there was an element of enlightened self-interest for me since I never had to guess what to give them if I just listened and paid attention.  They also benefitted by learning to handle money trying to get the biggest bang for their $25 (it served as a practical way to teach them arithmetic as they added up the price of all their wants), as well as sharpened their ability to negotiate a better deal (I was often a soft touch if they presented a good case).

This year, reflecting back on all that has happened to me, I was reminded of a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that put everything in perspective: "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

So, I added a twist to the annual holiday shopping trip with a commitment to pay forward all the blessings I have received  (see my post Gratitude List (Redux)). In addition to picking a gift for themselves, I asked my nieces to each pick a gift for someone their age that I could bring for a church-sponsored  drive for those less fortunate. I watched in admiration as each niece spent as much time and care picking the gifts to be donated as their own.

I also added the same twist with my oldest grandson, now six and a big Bakugan fan. The first holiday shopping trip last year had mixed results as he had a little trouble following my three rules (especially the part about not getting his own way). This year,  being in first grade, he was able to use the price scanner at Walmart to see that the Star Wars battle tank he wanted was beyond the budget at $99,  but he was still able to negotiate a good deal for a Bakugan Maxinoid for $35. I admit that he certainly presented a good case for the generosity by also picking out age-appropriate toys for my younger grandsons (now three and eighteen months).

Things did get a bit testy, though, when he picked a Backugan Battle Brawler to donate for a boy his age. Not really understanding my intentions, he told me that if no one wanted it, I could give it to him. I calmly explained that not every parent was able to give a boy a present for Christmas, so he could think of the toy as a present from him. After thinking about it for a moment, he was OK with the idea and said no more. The toy eventually arrived with other gifts that Barb and I brought to the local homeless shelter that day.

In the end, my nieces and grandson gave me a precious gift  -- a reminder that there is indeed a reason for the season.

Gratitude List (Redux)

A good friend suggested a solution to the slow drains in my kitchen and bathrooms -- baking soda and vinegar mixed together will often cause a reaction that will loosen the clogs. This concoction reminded me of the lyrics from Mary Poppins : "A spoonful of sugar will make the medicine go down in a most delightful way."  Sometimes, you have to take the bad with the good in order to get to the other side of a situation.

I think that's what's called acceptance. Some person, place, thing, or situation is not to my liking, but it is what it is and beyond my control. Life on life's terms is acceptance, because I do not often get to choose the people, places, things, or situations that I get to face on a day-today (or even minute-to-minute) basis--it usually  just happens.

With acceptance comes gratitude. Sine I am only responsible for my attitudes and my actions, I can turn the outcome to a God of my understanding who wants the best for all. So, here is my gratitude list for Thanksgiving:

1. I feel no pain. That is, I feel much the same way as I did before the first surgery a year ago -- before the physical pain of the bladder infections, the mental anguish of being disabled, and the spiritual void of losing touch with a loving God.


2. I feel no resentments. Blaming the the first surgeon, my family, and my colleagues at work for what could be easily called a shitty year is not my thing today because I'm beginning to accept that life does just happen this way (even if it felt unfair).


3. I see my attitude has changed from "the glass is half empty" to "the glass is half full" through periods of unemployment, poor health,  and grieving. Perhaps a small change (like making lemonade when you're given lemons), but I hope one that will lead to better and more fulfilling choices.


4. I can move on now that my footwork is done and I have turned the outcome over to God. I put my life on hold to deal with the financial and emotional insecurity of losing a job and preparing for surgery. I am now employed and received a clean bill of health from the second surgeon--because God did for me what I could not do for myself.

Life Goes On (Part 2)

The straw that finally broke the camel's back was, of all things, slow drains in the kitchen and bathroom sinks. After helping Barb deal with the loss of her mom a month ago, the bills are finally coming in for the two memorial services in California and Massachussets (including the burial and travel expenses). I am left juggling those unexpected costs with the outlays I already made for four new tires that needed to be replaced on the Toyota and scheduled maintenance for the Honda. LIkewise, money had already been spent  for trimming the front tree before the onset of winter storms, as well as that  leak on the roof that needed to be repaired after the winter storm that came a few weeks ago. Even with all those outlays, I am still trying to squirrel away a few dollars in savings for that inevitable rainy day when my contract expires and I will need to look for work (again) during a "jobless economic recovery".

So, in my mind, the kitchen and bathroom drains backing up the night before Barb is scheduled to leave for Boston with her  mom's cremated remains could not have happened at a worse time. It finally came to that point where I did not have the wherewithall, the patience, or the calm to "accept life on life's terms" as my world seemingly crumbled at my feet--and I was left alone, apart, and very afraid. In fact, I felt on the verge of emotional and economic panic spending a very sleepless night with Doom (the fear of losing what I have) and Gloom (the fear of not getting what I want) as they chattered incessantly about the 30% pay cut, the hour long commute in the morning and evening, and no paid time off to have a plumber look at the problem until the weekend.

Somehow, at day break, I gather my wits and start looking for plumbers who work on Saturdays, and I make plans to stay with my mom in the meantime should the plumbing problem get worse. Barb returns on Sunday, so we'll need to take a stab at  how we are going to  pay off the $3,500 in funeral expenses, the $1,200 in home repairs, and the $500 in auto repairs with paychecks that are 30% less  than what we made last year.

Sometimes, the best that I can do at moments like these is just  remind myself that the glass is not half-full or half-empty, it's just eight ounces out of 16...it is what it is.

Life Goes On

Barb's mom passed away last weekend. As a contractor, I couldn't take family leave (or even personal time off) to help Barb with hospice care or the myriad of details involved with the funeral. You see,  I wake up by 7:30 am durng the work week to get dressed, eat breakfast, and head out the door for a 45 minute commute to work. I'm paid by the hour to just focus on my work from 9:30 am to 5:30 pm -- seldom taking more than a 15 minute break to use the bathroom, grab a snack, or eat lunch. At the end of my workday, I pack up my laptop and lunch bag for the 45 minute commute home (leaving no trace that I had been there) .

At the same time, I do not bring work home with me. I no longer need to try to unwind from the pressures of 60 hour work weeks and office politics that made me dread Monday mornings. I no longer need to deal with the uncertainty of whether I would be laid off that made me dread Thursday mornings. I realize today that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer.

So, the footwork sometimes is a bit more than just putting food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof  over my head.  I honored the  wishes of Barb's mom not to take extraordinary measures during her last days by going to the nursing home after work to hold her as she struggled with the pain in her hands from the rheumatoid arthritis that were rapidly sapping her strength and will. I rubbed her back and told her that she did not need to struggle and be afraid of death.  In short, I tried to do everything possible to allow her to die with the dignity and respect that she deserved.

There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

Three Rules

I took  the opportunity to let go of my babies and watch them grow up. You see,  I never took the time after graduating from college to settle down, get married, and raise a family. Rather, I lived vicariously as a parental figure to my goddaughter (now 20 and attending San Jose State) and my niece (now 19 and attending UC Davis). Through a lifetime of family gatherings such as birthday parties and backyard barbecues, I loved  them as though they were my own daughters, doting on them and spoiling them, for sure, but also ready with a stern word should the occasion arise.

When I was laid off this last time, I became aware that the work environment that my babies would enter would be much different than the one I began my career. So I gave each a book as a birthday gift that would help prepare them for their careers (What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles and The Pathfinder by Nicholas Lore), as well as a letter from my experience, strength, and hope as words of encouragement to sustain them on their journeys. I wanted to pass on an excerpt of those letters to others who may need the same encouragement:

Happy Birthday,

Ever since I held you in my arms the day of your baptism, you  have had a special place in my heart. Your birthday reminds me that you are preparing for a career in a world that has radically changed since your parents and I graduated. First of all, there were no cell phones, no iPods, and did I mention there was no Internet (which meant before e-mail, Web browsing, texting, and twittering). We are part of the “Old School” where you always carried around a dime to make a call from a phone booth (when there were phone booths), listened to our boom boxes (which tended to be as big as we could carry), and there was no substitute for the Internet because the very idea wasn't even around until you were in elementary school.

I'm giving you this book because I want you to be prepared for the many changes that will occur in your work life—some you will get to choose, some that will be chosen for you. For me, I have survived five layoffs in the past 15 years lasting anywhere from three to nine months. Every time, I managed to put food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Consider this book as a roadmap to help you navigate the inevitable job searches (like the one you'll face after you graduate from college) along your journey. Take the words that are contained in the book with both the wisdom of the author who wrote it, tempered by your experience as you find your way to where you want to go.

Still, just as important as the journey from here to there, is the kind of person you become along the way. You see, when I got laid off for the first time, it gave me time to do more than just put food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. It also gave me the opportunity to take you to the playground and recite my three rules for the first time: “Please and thank you. You have to listen to me. You cannot always have your way.”  Although intended as instructions for a single occasion, those rules grew with time and experience to be the lessons of life that carried you off to college and I knew you would be all right.

These lessons of life will serve as your compass because they are the values that your parents and I have raised you so that, when that day eventually comes, you can go to farther off places and we will know you will be all right. “Please and thank you” is a reminder to be respectful of others, and that "No" is a complete sentence (no reason needs to be given). “You have to listen to me” is a reminder  to consider others in your choices and be accountable to others for your actions. “You cannot always have your way” is a reminder that if it is not possible for you to accept people, places, situations, or outcomes for what they are, it is  probably about "you"  rather than about “them”.

So, with a roadmap and compass in hand, my fondest wish for your birthday is that you find your path to a fulfilling life, passionate and exciting, with the knowledge that God has given you a purpose, meaning, and plan with the full support of your Mom, Dad, and I.

Love

Your Uncle Joe

Happy Belated Birthday Janelle,

Ever since I held you in my arms the day of your baptism and I became your ninong, you will always hold a special place in my heart. (to be a ninong is a very special honor in the Filipino culture, and shows that your parents had a special role for me to play in your life). Your 20h birthday reminds me that you are preparing for a career in a world that has radically changed since your parents and I graduated. First of all, there were no cell phones, no iPods, and did I mention there was no Internet (which meant before e-mail, Web browsing, texting, and twittering). We are part of the “Old School” where you always carried around a dime to make a call from a phone booth (when there were phone booths), listened to our boom boxes (which tended to be as big as we could carry), and there was no substitute for the Internet because the very idea wasn't even around until you were in elementary school.

Before you were five, your ninong Joe went through his first layoff at, of all places, Apple Computer. It took me almost eight months to find a permanant job, and I learned that work isn't everything (more about that later). I read the book "What Color is Your Parachute"  as a way to accept the fact that I had (and will have) many jobs that eventually I would call my career, so that I may as well get used to the idea that I may change jobs many times in my life. I'm giving you this book because I want you to be prepared for the many changes that will occur in your work life—some you will get to choose, some that will be chosen for you. For me, I have survived five layoffs in the past 15 years lasting anywhere from three to nine months. Every time, I managed to put food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Consider this book as a roadmap to help you navigate the inevitable job searches (like the one you'll face after you graduate from college) as a step along a very long journey. Take the words that are contained in the book with both the wisdom of the author who wrote it, tempered by your experience as you find your way to where you want to go.

Still, just as important as the journey from here to there, is the kind of person you become along the way. You may remember the story that I shared at my father's eulogy that I wanted to pass on the lessons that my dad passed on to me to the next generation (which includes you). You see, when I got laid off for the first time just before you turned five, it gave me time to do more than just put food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. It also gave me the opportunity to take Lauren to the playground and recite my three rules for the first time: “Please and thank you. You have to listen to me. You cannot always have your way.”  Although intended as instructions for a single occasion, those rules grew with time and experience to be the lessons of life that carried her off to a far off place called UC Davis and I knew she would be all right.

I pass on these lessons of life to you to serve as a compass because they are the values that your parents and I have raised you so that one day, you can go to a far off place and we will know you will be all right. “Please and thank you” is a reminder to be respectful of each other, and that No is a complete sentence (no reason needs to be given). “You have to listen to me” is a reminder that we need to consider others in our choices and be accountable to others for our actions. “You cannot always have your way” is a reminder that if we cannot accept a person, place, situation, or outcome for what it is, it is usually about us rather than about “them”.

So, with a roadmap and compass in hand, my fondest wish for your 20th birthday is that you find your path to a full and meaningful life, passionate and exciting, with the knowledge that God has given you a purpose, meaning, and plan for your life with the full support of your Mom, Dad, and I.

Love

Your Ninong Joe

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