My manager told me this week that my current six month assignment would not be converted to full-time status because of budgetary constraints. My last day is April 28.
My immediate reaction was to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, perhaps even betrayal. A common term for this malaise is "doubt". I'm not so sure whether the choices that I made over the past six months have been aligned with my will or God's will, or ultimately whether I'm even willing to accept the outcome of those choices.
It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to avoid slipping into a whirlpool of negativity that allows my feelings to become false evidence appearing real. So each day this week, I start off by expressing gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day.
God has always had a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
It is rather depressing. I also just finished a 12-week contract that was not converted into fulltime or even renewed, because the project ended. My first inclination is to blame myself. Yet, several of the managers express thanks to me for helping on this project, and one even said if budget allowed, they would like me back in the future.
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