Act As If...

A good friend of mine commented on Deja Vu (All Over Again) about insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". As for me, I would say that the notion that man is (somehow) in control of his fate is the basis of all delusions.

I once had the attitude that it was my top priority in life to satisfy my legitimate needs, desires, and concerns. So, therefore, I livd my life as if I had every right to do what I needed to do to "make it happen".

However, I eventually have come to the conclusion that my will gets me into trouble. I had to accept that much of my troubles are of my own making -- it is in fact a delusion to act as if I can play God in my life (or the life of any others).

When I did "make it happen", I found that I was rarely satisfied. Somehow, my life was still not complete, so I raised the ante. I transformed those legitimate needs, desires, and concerns into expectations about "how things should be". This gave me the rationalization to push even harder.

When I didn't "make it happen", I found that I usually felt either inadequate or deprived. I tended to either blame myself for not "managing well",  or I allowed Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of not getting what I want or losing what I have) to blame "them" for getting in the way. This gave me the justification to push even harder.

Driven by ambition or frustration, my will would often put me in collision with people, places, situations, and outcomes. Like that bull in the proverbial china shop, I inevitably ended up offending (or actually harming) others seemingly without provocation -- and they often retaliated.

So each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness do have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God's will or my will.

A common term for this malaise is "doubt". It's not so much whether I believe that God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does). It's that I'm not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately whether I'm willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.

Doubt seems to be that place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that my doubts usually lead to fear whenever I make choices based on my will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that my doubts usually lead to faith when I make choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.