Thursday April 28th has come and gone (see my post The Other Shoe Falls (Part 2)). My last day involved tying up the loose ends of my projects the best that I could, then turning in my badge and company equipment after saying my last goodbyes.
Every day beforehand, I started off by expressing gratitude that I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day. With the unemployment rate still over 12%, I also applied for every available job and sent resumes to recruiters who carefully screened for the perfect fit by offering the opportunity to “audition” for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis.
After all that effort, I could only arrange a single phone screen for a Thursday afternoon. That phone screen was followed by an in-person interview one week later that lasted for four hours. The following week, in addition to providing the usual professional references, I was even asked to provide proof of employment going back ten years for companies that either moved out of state or simply went out of business.
Then, just like that, I started this week as a full-time employee. It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet, as I look back over two years ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way didn't seem so orderly (see my post Changing Times). Who would have known that there always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Other Shoe Falls... (Part 2)
My manager told me this week that my current six month assignment would not be converted to full-time status because of budgetary constraints. My last day is April 28.
My immediate reaction was to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, perhaps even betrayal. A common term for this malaise is "doubt". I'm not so sure whether the choices that I made over the past six months have been aligned with my will or God's will, or ultimately whether I'm even willing to accept the outcome of those choices.
It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to avoid slipping into a whirlpool of negativity that allows my feelings to become false evidence appearing real. So each day this week, I start off by expressing gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day.
God has always had a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
My immediate reaction was to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, perhaps even betrayal. A common term for this malaise is "doubt". I'm not so sure whether the choices that I made over the past six months have been aligned with my will or God's will, or ultimately whether I'm even willing to accept the outcome of those choices.
It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to avoid slipping into a whirlpool of negativity that allows my feelings to become false evidence appearing real. So each day this week, I start off by expressing gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day.
God has always had a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life. I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
New Years Resolution (Part 2)
I celebrated several milestones this past week: my 54th birthday, my two year anniversay from being laid off, and three months on my current job assignment. My New Years resolution is giving me trouble, however (see New Years Resolution). Each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God's will or my will.
A common term for this malaise is "doubt". It's not so much whether God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does). It's that I'm not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately whether I'm willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.
That seems to be the place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I may have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that doubt usually leads to fear whenever I make choices based on self will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that doubt usually leads to faith when I make choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.
So, I am realizing that it's in my best interest to be responsible only for the footwork of the choices that I make each day. I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day “Thy will, not mine, be done.”
A common term for this malaise is "doubt". It's not so much whether God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does). It's that I'm not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately whether I'm willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.
That seems to be the place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I may have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that doubt usually leads to fear whenever I make choices based on self will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that doubt usually leads to faith when I make choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.
So, I am realizing that it's in my best interest to be responsible only for the footwork of the choices that I make each day. I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day “Thy will, not mine, be done.”
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Years Resolution
A good friend of mine shared with me in an e-mail the habits that prevent me from living life on life's terms: negative self-talk, fear, impossible expectations, blaming others, and guilt trips. The e-mail ended with this: "Thoughts become words. Words become actions. Actions become habits. Habits become character. And character becomes your destiny.”
I reflected on these words as the New Year approached, and I had to accept that people, places, things, situations, and outcomes were not the "causes" of why my life was not going "my way". Rather, "my way" was distorted by my reactions to people, places, things, situations, and outcomes based on resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear. I began to see that any slight or harm done to me over the years -- fancied or real -- had the power to actually dominate my words and actions.
All too often, those words and actions harmed others, and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. Looking back, I now see that I put myself in a position to be hurt -- usually due to a a decision I made that was motivated by resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear.
So, my New Years resolution is not to lose weight or exercise more. Rather, I need to ask God on a daily basis to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day "Thy will, not mine, be done."
I reflected on these words as the New Year approached, and I had to accept that people, places, things, situations, and outcomes were not the "causes" of why my life was not going "my way". Rather, "my way" was distorted by my reactions to people, places, things, situations, and outcomes based on resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear. I began to see that any slight or harm done to me over the years -- fancied or real -- had the power to actually dominate my words and actions.
All too often, those words and actions harmed others, and they retaliated, seemingly without provocation. Looking back, I now see that I put myself in a position to be hurt -- usually due to a a decision I made that was motivated by resentment, selfishness, dishonesty, or fear.
So, my New Years resolution is not to lose weight or exercise more. Rather, I need to ask God on a daily basis to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day "Thy will, not mine, be done."
Friday, November 12, 2010
False Evidence Appearing Real
I recently noticed that I have a bad habit of dragging my past into the present whenever I turn my feelings into "facts". Some person, place, thing, situation, or outcome is not what I expect, and I'm taken out of of my comfort zone of what is known and familiar. Unlike someone whose emotions rockets them to anticipate the unknown as challenging and exciting, my emotions often drag me to anticipate only despair and foreboding. I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past memories of disappointment, frustration, even betrayal. It is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to not slip into this whirlpool of negativity and see how I allow my feelings to become false evidence appearing real.
So, as it happened during this third week on the job, an e-mail arrived from someone I haven't even met asking for me to quickly come up to speed and give a definitive answer by the end of the day to an issue I am still trying to figure out. Well, I don't work well under that kind of stress, and I don't like nasty surprises--yet at the same time, I don't want to look like I don't know the answer and I'm reticent to ask for help because I'm new on the job. As a result, fears loomed large as memories swirled in my mind of similar circumstances at past jobs where I ended up as the proverbial baby that was thrown out with the bath water.
But, this time around, something is different. Although I am a contractor–a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job–I am given the respect and consideration typically given only to a permanent employee. So, I go to my supervisor and I admit that I don't know enough to respond to the request because I am still new on the job. To my surprise, she agrees and suggests I simply tell the truth that I am still gathering the necessary information to provide an adequate response.
So, just for today, I am reminded that feelings are not facts...and perhaps my past does not necessarily need to become my present.
So, as it happened during this third week on the job, an e-mail arrived from someone I haven't even met asking for me to quickly come up to speed and give a definitive answer by the end of the day to an issue I am still trying to figure out. Well, I don't work well under that kind of stress, and I don't like nasty surprises--yet at the same time, I don't want to look like I don't know the answer and I'm reticent to ask for help because I'm new on the job. As a result, fears loomed large as memories swirled in my mind of similar circumstances at past jobs where I ended up as the proverbial baby that was thrown out with the bath water.
But, this time around, something is different. Although I am a contractor–a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job–I am given the respect and consideration typically given only to a permanent employee. So, I go to my supervisor and I admit that I don't know enough to respond to the request because I am still new on the job. To my surprise, she agrees and suggests I simply tell the truth that I am still gathering the necessary information to provide an adequate response.
So, just for today, I am reminded that feelings are not facts...and perhaps my past does not necessarily need to become my present.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
The Other Shoe Falls...
I remember a proverb from the Chinese philospher Lao-Tzu that goes something like this: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." A literal interpretation would be even the longest and most difficult ventures have a starting point.
So, with the unemployment rate now at just 11.4% rate, my resume has been carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to “audition” for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis. After several failed opportunities, I find myself skeptical answering questions on yet another phone screen on a Tuesday afternoon that lasts an hour. That phone screen is followed by an in-person interview three days days later, and I am told that I am the only candidate being considered. Just like that, I get a job offer that evening. to start last Monday.
It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet, as I look back over a year ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way didn't seem so orderly (see my post Changing Times). There have been many forks along the way, where my choices may have not brought me to a place where I am today. Along with those choices has been the endless chatter of Doom and Gloom (or those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want) that made me worry about would happen if the other shoe fell.
Well, at least for today, the other shoe has fallen on solid ground, I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
So, with the unemployment rate now at just 11.4% rate, my resume has been carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to “audition” for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis. After several failed opportunities, I find myself skeptical answering questions on yet another phone screen on a Tuesday afternoon that lasts an hour. That phone screen is followed by an in-person interview three days days later, and I am told that I am the only candidate being considered. Just like that, I get a job offer that evening. to start last Monday.
It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet, as I look back over a year ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way didn't seem so orderly (see my post Changing Times). There have been many forks along the way, where my choices may have not brought me to a place where I am today. Along with those choices has been the endless chatter of Doom and Gloom (or those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want) that made me worry about would happen if the other shoe fell.
Well, at least for today, the other shoe has fallen on solid ground, I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Changing Times (Part 2)
The first time that I got laid off, there was a reorganization and I was odd man out. The second time that I got laid off, I said to the boss what others merely dream of saying. The third time I tried to be a good boy and did what the boss said, but it didn't make any difference. The fourth time I was a good boy, but the company folded anyways after a year . This last time, I was not only a good boy, but a loyal company man as well for six years (with what I thought was that ticket to retirement).
But times have changed. I have been a contractor for the past year --a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job, then leave without a trace. I have none of the benefits (such as health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation, 401(k) plans, and stock options) that tie permanent employees with "golden handcuffs". With the unemployment rate at 12.5% rate, my resume is carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to "audition" for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis.
Still, I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. Each day, I express gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day. God has always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
But times have changed. I have been a contractor for the past year --a hired gun paid from nine to five to do the job, then leave without a trace. I have none of the benefits (such as health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation, 401(k) plans, and stock options) that tie permanent employees with "golden handcuffs". With the unemployment rate at 12.5% rate, my resume is carefully screened for the perfect fit by recruiters reading straight off of the job description, then offered the opportunity to "audition" for the part on a contract-to-permanent basis.
Still, I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. Each day, I express gratitude that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and a few dollars saved for that rainy day. God has always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it's not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.
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