I had an opportunity to look in the mirror and see how much I have changed (and how much I have stayed the same). I saw a younger colleague, who looked much like me when I graduated from college, act much like me after I graduated from college.
Back then, I believed that anything was possible if I just set my mind on it. Less than a year after graduating from college, I convinced myself that my dream job as a technical editor for a trade magazine would make me happy forever (or at least until I retired). But after six years of tight deadlines and endless travel, I convinced myself that I just wanted a 40-hour a week job that had a reasonable commute. I got my wish and I went to work as a technical writer for a startup (for what I thought was going to be happily ever after)–only to bounce around in Silicon Valley for another 20 years trying to stay ahead of endless software release cycles and the (seemingly) never ending layoffs.
So, on Monday, I got to see all of this play out first hand when my younger colleague berate another for being incompetent and wasting his precious time in a very public setting (well, there really is no privacy when you all work in cubicles). Although I admit I was shocked at the poor manners of this engineer, I also could relate to his restlessness, irritability, and discontent.
You see, I began to realize how I got on the list of those to be laid off next (or the infamous "shit list"). I may have been the most talented, most experienced, and most able employee on paper, but my attitude had often made me unemployable simply because I was unbearable. That incident on Monday made me reflect on how often my managers and colleagues had put up with me for 20 years, perhaps out of equal doses of empathy and pragmatism, only to be rewarded with my resentments and self-pity. As a result, whether I was a victim of circumstances that were beyond my control or my actions were the direct cause of my demise, I still was the one left on the outside looking in...apart, alone, and most definitely afraid.
So, as my needs for emotional security and material security have grown to a house with a two car garage (with the SUV and the sedan parked in the driveway) and that almighty Roth IRA for retirement, have I just become a human doing rather than a human being putting in long hours to pay the bills with little else to show but "stuff"?
Or is it just time to learn what it's like to be humane?
Dear Aseo,
ReplyDeleteBeing humane is indeed a most exciting experience that many in the rat race fail to achieve. I'm a journalist with an English daily in Malaysia and after 15 years in the industry I have managed to preserve my humane attitude though to the detriment of my career progress. Despite being 50 now, I'm still made to run around like a rookie reporter and stomped on by my immediate bosses who cannot tire calling me a slow writer. I take pride in my writing and never push my self to write formulaic pieces rather every article I have sent in according to my own judgement is an original piece arising from my full comprehension of the subject matter. I also never fail to pass to junior journalists the knowledge and experience I have accumulated. Besides that every assignment I undertake still continues to be a learning experience for me to realise my ultimate goal of writing serious literature. I also treat every subject/ person I meet during the course of my assignments as an important element in my learning process and treat them with respect and caring attitude. I hope to continue this right up to my retirement.
The ability to have thoughts and feelings is what separates us from other animals, but often our words and actions reflect an attitude that life is merely a a struggle for survival in a cruel and indifferrent world. It is only when I can transcend those self-centered fears of Doom (losing what I have) or Gloom (not getting what I want) can I express that humanity in qualities such as kindness and compassion. Thanks for your thoughtful words
ReplyDeleteShould one behave differently at work than at home? Are the standards one sets for themselves the same whether you are at work or at home?
ReplyDeleteDo you act and treat people to make your boss happy? or do you act and treat people in a manner that you want to be treated?
Throughout my professional career, I've had to ask myself this question many times...my answer is always the same...apply The Golden Rule...but being the person I want and desire to be has backfired on me more than once.
I often play by different rules at work simply because of the competitive nature of chasing the almighty buck (or how I react to those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want) -- resulting in me stepping on the toes of my fellows and they retaliating (seemingly) without provocation.
ReplyDeleteThis means that while I try my best to keep my side of the street clean (in terms of my motives and my actions), I also accept that others may not feel bound to play by the Golden Rule.