I celebrated several milestones this past week: my 54th birthday, my two year anniversay from being laid off, and three months on my current job assignment. My New Years resolution is giving me trouble, however (see New Years Resolution). Each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God's will or my will.
A common term for this malaise is "doubt". It's not so much whether God exists or doesn't exist (I happen to believe that He does). It's that I'm not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God's will -- and ultimately whether I'm willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.
That seems to be the place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I may have lead to choices of whether I believe that "I know what's best for me" or "God knows what's best for me". My experience tells me that doubt usually leads to fear whenever I make choices based on self will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I'm ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that doubt usually leads to faith when I make choices based on God's will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.
So, I am realizing that it's in my best interest to be responsible only for the footwork of the choices that I make each day. I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day “Thy will, not mine, be done.”
